back to "normal"

i got back late last night from san francisco... there were only 13 people on my late-night flight and i was the only woman... i called my friend jeff and said, "i just spent 2 hours in a dark cabin with 13 men..." - it was pretty funny... probably not...

i didn't sleep well last night... i think i was afraid i'd oversleep... but i didn't... i went to work this morning - same old routine... it was a typical day... but i couldn't figure out why i had a hard time focusing on work... i didn't want to be sitting at my desk at all... (ironically, i'm here way past working-time, at my desk, by choice)

i had been in classes for 8 hours the last couple of days... i couldn't get up and freely move about... but today, as i had quite a bit of freedom, i found it hard to sit still... i could listen to what i wanted, prioritize my work in the way i wanted... walk down the hall if i needed to... but i felt trapped and very tired...

i couldn't really figure out until just now... when i was in san francisco, i spent a lot of times with friend(s)... i spent a lot of time with jeff, and then less time, but still, time, with other people... they were people my age, kind of in the same place... but i just felt the community of friendship and then i guess today i realized i went back to the life of isolation i feel surrounds me... which is also ironic, because i live with 8 people!

strange...

i also have been realizing how self-centered i am... self-absorbed, selfish... pretty much all about me... i've been reading Blue Like Jazz the last couple of days (should finish it tonight or tomorrow), and i can totally relate with some stuff that miller addresses... most of all, the ideas of self-absorption...

i did have a great talk with my friend elijah while i was in s.f. - God through him in my life is incredible... i'm amazed at the things he says, because i know he speaks truth into my life... but at the same time, he sees right through me... this i don't like... i have kind of learned all the "right" answers... that's what happens after a while... elijah would just say, "you're aware... very aware... but you don't listen..."

lots of words and many tears later, i felt like truth had been spoken into my life... and while some of it feels great... i have to be honest and say that some of it hurts... stings...

i don't really want this "normal" to be the norm... "i am looking for a dare to be great situation..."